It’s all becoming real. This is the last straw. Sobriety has never felt so painful.
I wake up and feel the cold air through the window. It is brisk, it feels nice. I smell the green grass and the light breeze as it is rustling through the trees. Everything is beautiful.
My stomach doesn’t want the juice that I have been drinking, it doesn’t even crave the food I love. It only wants vodka- but vodka doesn’t exist in my world anymore.
Sometimes vodka seems like an old friend, one that was always there. When I was scared to come home to find a friend had committed suicide, vodka was there to help me through the heartbreak. When I was ashamed of dancing and being my self, vodka always gave me a little push. To share feelings, and hide feelings that were to never come out, vodka was there to aide. I felt control, I felt fearless.
I know now that vodka wasn’t my friend, instead a toxic lover, who loved to enlighten me. Enlighten me not with good things, but things I was too ashamed to do, or feelings I was too afraid to express. I relied on her for everything, even at one point, successfully smiling at my job.
I am not going to lie, I enjoyed vodka, in fact I miss vodka. Sometimes I taste it on my lips, sometimes I crave it in my mouth. Will this feeing ever go away?
I have tried sobriety many times, many many times. But in the past I always gave in to the lust and desire. I thought “maybe if I only have one” or “maybe if I only have a little”. And it came to a point where vodka and I had a secret affair. Secret from everyone, literally everyone, even my therapist and sobriety coach.
I don’t know why this time is different, I couldn’t tell you. I honestly don’t know why , but when I look in the mirror, and look into my eyes…. I no longer want to see vodka there.
I know I am not perfect- vodka made me believe so. But I don’t want to be perfect, I want to be ME. I want to be the person I always was; the world traveler, the artist, the comedian, the dancer… the good friend, the smiley optimistic coworker, the person who everyone could rely on.
I had become so invested in vodka. It took my money, my time, my ambitions, my dreams. All on hold because I would have rather tasted it’s burn on my mouth.
I still have dreams of drinking. When I lay down in bed I dream of drinking it slow, on a warm beach, on the hot sand.
When I awake all of that past disappears and I am faced with a world where emotions are real. Time and space is captivating. The air in my lungs and the beat of my heart is calm. As fascinating as this world is, this stillness is scary. I find myself sitting outside among the trees, along the grass, listening to Bde Maka Ska. Nature is the only place I truly feel safe. Nature is the only place I don’t feel afraid to be myself. I know Mother Earth never judges me. She treats all her children equal, even if they are a sad, lonely, sobriety- driven alcoholic like me.
When the wind blows around me I feel warm. The sun hits me, I feel at peace. I know the earth, she hears me. I know she feels me, and I know that if I treat my body with respect she will grant me with love.
There are no “but” or “maybes” this time. There are no “secret affairs”, or “maybe just a little”. There are no “ I will..” or “I’ll try”. The only thing left is “I can” and “I am”.
I can get through this, I am getting through this.
I can pass the liquor store without going in. I am passing it by. Do I want something that is in side ? FUCK yea, obviously, I want to, I am not going to deny it- but it is done, it is passed. Vodka is no longer a friend of mine.
There is no more room for wishful thinking. I wrote my good byes. I wrote my old life on paper, the good and the bad- and watched it burn. Literally igniting the scrap piece of paper I wrote everything down on into flame. This relationship is over.