Time
There was a time I didn’t understand the truth. I just wanted to fall victim to feelings.
After a relapse from a long time of healing, the desire to drink gets less and less…
More and more of an inconvenience, a damper on the mood.
A pile of shit on relationships and promoting self care and love.
I see my addictive fire water demon as less and less of a threat.
Oh does he try to fight me and my well being. He tries to distract me from my accomplishments and pride.
I look to the mountains, butterflies and a special number as reference points for when the demon blurs me in one of his insidious mental dungeons-
The fog is dense, it is gray and cold. All my thoughts become powerful euphoric cages that make the fog so tolerable.
I love this feeling. It makes me feel safe. Safe inside my subconscious where the truth and genuinely of one’s self can truly be safe. Forever.
But I know, after slaying many dragons, that is a powerful spell cursed upon me, and God knows I have this demon I must defeat.
Show no mercy in the building of boundaries, and demanding self respect. Even a great fighter can’t always be the best at every war trick, and he tries to take me down. He knows where to put the sword where I am near death yet still very much alive. So skilled, he lets me feel ahead, pushes me to the edge but not to let me fall too quickly into regret to retreat quickly from the fight.
I know I used to let him get away with things in the past. I let him slip in here and there when I clearly told FireWater that alcohol had no space in my being.
But as manipulative as I have observed one can be, I have now manipulated myself to believing I want and desire something that is in fact an illusion.
Not everyone is temped by wizards, but damn I was. The spell of euphoric illusion can make the mind and body in fact feel in a state they want to escape to.
There is no such place. We create this with our own existence…
So don’t let FireWater tempt you.
I am now in the field, off to take him down. And he will not play me anymore.